Growing up in school I always knew something was different about me and the way I saw the world. I remember so distinctively the moment when the ball dropped; I was in year 6 and we had just done a mock SAT test. My intellectual and high achieving childhood friend said something along the lines of “That test was so hard, I almost didn’t finish.” To which I said, “Wait, you finish your tests?!” It seems silly looking back but I had no idea before the moment that that was the expectation, and more sadly, that I had never met those expectations even when I was putting in my best efforts.
I was good at Maths because I was great at identifying patterns but concentrating in class was a struggle. The moment we did our first test in year 4 and I could sit in silence and concentrate, I was so proud of myself for getting the top grade in class. But then my teacher spent 20 minutes making me stand up in front of my peers as she shouted and humiliated me accusing me of cheating because my quality of work in the tests and in lessons were vastly different.
Coming into secondary school, at parents’ evenings my teachers would always say “Lucy is a good student, but she daydreams a lot.” My peers would refer to me as slow, confused and dippy, but I always knew I was good at the creative subjects. This however slowly became less important as I approached my GCSE’s and I was relayed a constant message of high grades being the only determining factor of self-worth in adult life. And I was always someone who struggled to get good grades. I soon began struggling with my self-esteem as a teenager because in my eyes, I no longer had anything to offer.
I love to sing, and I play several instruments and would often draw and make things. But I never shared this passion with my peers as I didn’t believe it to be of value. I would have moments where I was proud of my achievements in creative subjects and when my friends would hear me perform, they were shocked that I was so secretive about this talent and had never invited them to any of my performances before. Which was shocking to me because it came so naturally, and I had gotten used to being the one who was behind in my achievements.
When it came to revising for my GCSEs. I had no recollection of any of the content in the academic subjects. During my mock tests I would go through the textbook methodically, at my own pace and make my own clear and colour coded notes. I learnt more about some subjects in a week than I did in a year of school. I was also fortunate enough to have a tutor for science. I had 2, 1-hour sessions with him and my grades went from D’s to A’s! He didn’t teach me the content much but rather the background of the general ideas and a way that I could work out the chemical formulas for myself instead of trying to memorise them. However, when I went to college I fell into the habit of not trying at all for fear that my GCSE results were a fluke and I’d be proven that I was actually dumb during my A-levels. So by not trying, I was protecting myself from the possibility of my peers and myself finding out if I was actually dumb or just not trying.
I finally started to feel like things were turning around for me when I started my art foundation aged 17. I was finally just focused on one thing that I was good at. But again, although I loved my work and I was learning a lot I struggled to get the grades or fully understand the briefs. So just before I went to University, I finally decided to get tested for dyslexia. I always thought that I was dyslexic but part of me was afraid to get diagnosed as it would confirm my fears that I was lesser than other people. But when I realised the extra benefits and support I would get to help with my degree, I thought it’d be worth it to swallow my pride.
That day I got tested was so memorable for me as the first thing the examiner said was “let’s find out your superpowers!” I was so confused as to what she meant. But having done the test it started to become clear that the visual and creative tasks in the test I was amazing at! I knew that would be the case, but I didn’t realise that I was well above average in these areas. And what shocked me the most was that my examiner said that my dyslexia was what made me great at these visual, spatial and creative areas. She showed me the graph of my scores she said I common trait of dyslexia is to have a very wavy graph where the written skills are well below average, but the visual skills are well above average.
Since that day I have seen my dyslexia in a whole new light, knowing that is responsible for the parts of myself I value the most (as well as the bits I struggle with). I left with my diagnosis feeling a huge wave of relief that I finally knew more about myself and how to get help. But also, for the first time ever at the age of 18, pride in my dyslexia and seeing it as a difference and not a disability.
Since this diagnosis, I have completed a degree in Textile Design and this time utilised all the support I was offered to help me learn. And I have since graduated with a 1st! During my degree, I would often make unusual connections and see opportunities for original and varied ideas. And it felt so good to see other students coming up to me and being shocked at how I thought of my ideas. It’s been a long journey but now, I never hold back on telling people about my dyslexia and explaining the benefits of it as I know now that my creativity will take me far in all aspects of my life.
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